


A Drummer's Guide To Surviving a Mattnado

by Denstort



Category: Muse (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 13:17:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3069530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denstort/pseuds/Denstort
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Advice from a Mattnado survivor..............</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Drummer's Guide To Surviving a Mattnado

It’s a shock to the uniniated…..the Mattnado.

Chris and Tom and I have seen many a stunned and overwhelmed person over the years, looking like they’d been hit by a tornado…that’s our Matt. 

You learn, after several storm tossed encounters, how to avoid or even deflect a Mattnado. So I’m writing this guide at Dominic Anderson’s request, so he can give it to any new roadie of tech that joins our merry little band.

I’ve rated them like you would a tornado; don’t know why, just have.

So here goes……………..

 

F1- These are fairly harmless, but try not to get cornered. Unless you’re really into aliens and Zetas and the all-powerful ‘they’. If you are cornered by this Mattnado, just smile and nod and eventually it will run out of energy or get bored and move off.

 

F2- Sometimes these are fairly harmless, other times, not so much. If said Mattnado had a little too much to drink the night before, the said Mattnado will be grumpy, disgruntled even. If you are in the vicinity of said Mattnado, a glass of water and headache tablets will disperse said Mattnado, and you’ll have a friend for life.

 

F3- These are not so harmless and require diplomacy. If said Mattnado can’t get a certain riff because his guitar or piano keeps going out of tune, things can get stormy. Usually, these are calmed by you, if you’re a tech, offering to re-tune the guitar or piano, whilst said Mattnado takes a break. However be prepared to be stared at by said Mattnado, whilst you re-tune the precious instrument…just remember, these are said Mattnado’s babies, and you know what mothers are like.

 

F4- These are tricky ones. One has to decipher why said Mattnado is an F4….and this needs a more experienced hand. But by now, you have no doubt seen or been through at least one of the other less harmful Mattnado’s. An F4 can be caused by either of two things; some idiot has put the red wine in the cooler; which by the way is a no-no…red wine is never ever chilled. Secondly, if there is the distinct lack of a certain food; it’s yellow and shaped like a banana. Said yellow and banana shaped food, like the red wine should always be in plentiful supply, or the consequence are an F4. This means that either I or Chris or Tom have to talk to said Mattnado through a door that has usually been slammed violently, and can take several hours. So, the advice is, always make sure that the wine is not chilled and there is a constant supply of said yellow and banana shaped food.

 

And now for the last……

 

F5- These are rare and as such the advice is to find shelter…any shelter, and leave it to us Mattnado-hardened few. You will know an F5 when you see it. They usually happen when one of said Mattnado’s instruments has broken or said Mattnado senses that the ‘vibe’ of the crowd is not to his liking. This usually results in one of said precious guitars being hurled either at my precious drum-kit or into one of the amps.

Although this Mattnado is highly dangerous, it is also beautiful to watch, as it whirls round, sucking in the energy from the crowd, and then releasing it like an F5. It’s glorious, dangerous and something you should witness from a distance, and like an F5, it takes time to run out of energy. This is why you should leave it to me, or Chris or Tom. We know how to survive an F5.

So, there you have it…a guide to surviving a Mattnado…hang on…..sorry, got to leave this now, I think I hear an F4 approaching.


End file.
